last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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