True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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