I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
