You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
