I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
