he thought i was a dude.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
