The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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