He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
