He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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