i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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