So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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