dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize