I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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