I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize