My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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