Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
