After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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