i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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