I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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