"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
