so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
