I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
