We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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