I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
