I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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