Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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