I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize