omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize