im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's always time for handjobs
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Randomize
