I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
