so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
