You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
