a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
