but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
