Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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