remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
