Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
