Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
