I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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