Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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