do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
