Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
