I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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