I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
