I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
