dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
