I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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