My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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