so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
