Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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