A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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