listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
