He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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