I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
