don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
