Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
