Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize