im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
