I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
