You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
