I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
