im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
