i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
